


Eating Is A Lot Of Work

by Kizimba



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: An anatomy student's perspective of Rin and his weird demon bits, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Cuddling, Poor Rin, Recovery, Sickfic, TW!vomiting, demons don't come with a 'how demons work' manual, potential eating disorder, sorta graphic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-07-18 10:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16116731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kizimba/pseuds/Kizimba
Summary: He didn’t care that the world had started spinning and that the vertigo settled on the back of his tongue like bile. The teen reached blindly for his sword and bookbag, his limbs almost too heavy to move. Huge patches of his vision whited out, so much he could hardly see. A ringing began in his ears, as loud as that time back in primary school when a classmate had swung a cricket bat into the side of his head. And he felt the tingle of his skin rising as gooseflesh washed over him.“Ri—!”





	1. Eating is a lot of work

Rin was fine.

Sure, he’d essentially killed his own father and he’d found out his brother had been playing an elaborate game of pretend with him for about six or seven years — and, yeah, maybe he still had a death sentence hanging over his head but that was alright because Rin was fine.

So what if he regularly skipped breakfast and dinner, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus, couldn’t remember what day of the week it was, and kept getting headaches?

He was just forgetful and lazy.

There was nothing more to it than that.

Rin had more important things to worry about than being a little hungry.

\------

“Okumura-kun, where’s your lunch?” Konekomaru asked him.

Sitting under a tree on the campus’ west-facing courtyard with the Kyoto trio, Rin sulked. “I got held back so I couldn’t get to the canteen before they sold out,” he answered. He was curled up and pouting a little, arms wrapped around his stomach as much to hold back his discomfort as to ward off the strange chill in the air.

“Failed another pop-quiz, did you?” Shima teased playfully. He waved his chopsticks at Rin and pretended to be disappointed with his classmate, “You should really take your studies more seriously, Okumura-kun.”

Rin’s eyes followed the wood and a low snarl rose from the back of his throat, the sound too quiet to be heard by normal human ears. He absently wondered if his stomach would let him eat chopsticks. “You’re just as bad as I am!”

“At least Shima’s awake during his classes,” Bon grumbled, taking a bite of rice. Konekomaru chuckled, a piece of poached fish held between his chopsticks. Rin felt his stomach clench and bile tickle the back of his throat. He imagined a harvestman crawling from his esophagus and into his mouth with a grimace. “Don’t you make your own bento at home?” Bon asked, glancing up at Rin.

“I overslept,” the half-demon confessed with a groan, curling into himself and settling in a little more comfortably.

“Haah,” Konekomaru made a small, sympathetic sound.

“Sounds to me like you just got lazy.” Shima leaned toward Rin and poked him with his chopstick. “If you’re looking for free food, go somewhere else!” Reading the accusation, however harmless the gesture was meant to be, reminded Rin of pillars of blue fire and black smoke and years spent being ostracized by his peers.

A sour taste settled on his tongue.

Rin brushed off the unwarranted feeling. In one easy motion he plucked the chopstick from his friend’s fingers, snapped it, and popped it into his mouth, crushing the pieces between his teeth like pocky. The half demon let the sound of wood crunching speak for him as glared at the blanching pink haired offender sitting across from him.

\------

Yukio hadn’t been home for dinner for a few days.

Which meant he hadn’t found the time to go shopping with Rin.

Which meant there wasn’t much left in the fridge.

Which sort of meant Rin hadn’t been eating much.

Rin wasn’t complaining, though. He knew if he waited long enough the hunger pains would go away and come back later. Usually, all he had to do was find something small to eat before they came back. If he couldn’t: no big deal, he’d just wait a bit longer.

Usually, he was fine.

But he’d been more tired than usual lately.

Rin slept in short, inconsistent intervals, each interspersed by nightmares and strange dreams. He’d wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous and achy, covered in sweat and shivering. The aches were usually what made getting back to sleep so difficult. When the nausea got bad, he’d wobble his way to the bathroom and dry heave into a bin or a toilet, whichever he got to first.  

Consequently, Rin kept oversleeping in the morning.

Which meant he didn’t have enough time for breakfast.

Which meant he couldn’t focus in class.

Which meant – …what?

He couldn’t remember what that meant.

\------

“Yikes!” Shima exclaimed, “Are you wearing make-up? Those bags are huge, man!”

“Thanks. I was up all night working on them,” Rin replied dryly and sat down to eat his sandwich. He’d almost passed out in his race to get the last one but, thank god he’d gotten it in time.  

“Okumura-kun, are you feeling ok? You’re looking pretty pale.” Konekomaru’s brow was furrowed. Rin was having a hard time getting his eyes to focus so he avoided looking at anyone’s face for too long. He flashed his friends with a grin and told them the truth.

He was fine, just tired and sore from training with Shura the other day.

He was _fine._

\------

The dizzy spells were getting worse and he felt cold all the time.

Kuro would sometimes cuddle against Rin’s chest, tucking himself in under his tamer’s arm when the nightmares became too much. It helped Rin sleep but Kuro didn’t do it very often because it made him hot.

Ukobach had started making Rin tea in the morning and would sneak it into his bag during the night so Rin couldn’t forget it. The tea wasn’t as hard to keep down as solids were these days and  could save whatever he didn’t finish before class for lunch.

Rin was grateful for their help, was grateful for the effort they made.

\------

Eating didn’t make Rin feel better anymore.

Anything he ate his stomach would just toss out the way it came in.

He could keep little things down and, if he took small sips, he could mostly convince liquids to stay where he wanted them to.

It’d been a week since Rin had last shared a meal with his brother but he’d gotten used to the quotidian silence of eating alone. He saw his brother in class often enough to know he was ok and that he was being fed.

If Rin had a stomach bug it was better that Yukio stay away anyway.

That’s what he told himself when the chills and the aches got so bad he had to stop going on his regular evening run.

The half demon kept telling himself he’d remind Yukio about the grocery thing, but every time he got the chance he ended up forgetting. His little brother had said something about leaving some money out so Rin could do the shopping alone but he’d never told him _where_ he intended to put it. Yukio also hadn’t told him _when_ he’d leave some out.

\------

Rin’s body didn’t just ache anymore, it _burned._

He felt like someone was gathering up the spools of his muscles and pulling them until they stretched, and stretched, and _stretched._

It was like getting a stich all over his body, some nights, and it was _agony_.

He couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate on anything else until each torturous episode ended.

Rin started skipping classes again.

\------

“Rin, are you ok?” Shiemi asked him carefully.

Rin had his forehead resting on top of the table and his arms outstretched. He’d been like that for a few minutes, taking advantage of the desk’s cool surface. He was normally so cold he had to go out wearing a second shirt under his jumper and then a jacket on top of that but today it was just so fucking hot (never mind the autumn chill and rain).

“Feel sick.” He expressed miserably.

“Oh!” Though Rin was happy Shiemi had perked up for some reason, her chirp made him flinch. He wanted to curl his arms around his aching head. But he also didn’t want to move. “What kind of sick? Maybe I can give you some herbs…”

“Idiot. If you felt sick, why did you come to class?” Izumo scoffed.

 Rin picked up the sound of several pairs of feet approaching the desk shortly before Bon spoke, “Upper-class demons can’t get sick, you idiot.”

_Demon._

The word burnt blue into his retinas.

It smelled like copious amounts of blood and hydrogen peroxide.

It sounded like bones cracking in the heat of crematorium.

It lodged screams that felt like sea urchins at the back of his throat.

It made his tongue curl with the sour tastes of guilt and betrayal.

It ostracized him, shackled him — gave him pointed ears, vicious canines, and a tail he’d never needed.

It made him wonder if he hated himself as much as everyone else hated him.

“Fuck you, Bon. I’m still half-human,” Rin spat, apoplectic, and stood up suddenly.

He didn’t care that the world had started spinning and that the vertigo settled on the back of his tongue like bile. The teen reached blindly for his sword and bookbag, his limbs almost too heavy to move. Huge patches of his vision whited out, so much he could hardly see. A ringing began in his ears, as loud as that time back in primary school when a classmate had swung a cricket bat into the side of his head. And he felt the tingle of his skin rising as gooseflesh washed over him.

“Ri—!”

Something solid slammed against the more vulnerable flesh of his temple and with a startling lack of transition, Rin’s vision went from white to black without him realizing.

. . .

“–i, oi, oi…”

“Back up – give him some room!”

“Someone, go get his brother.”

“Okumura!”

Rin stirred slowly, feeling overwhelmed and hot. His head pounded. “ _hhhr_ …” The involuntary sound that escaped him was somewhere between a husky wheeze and a whine. His own voice invoked a tickle at the back of throat, one that threw him into another coughing fit.

That was the… the fourth one? That day?

The strength of his hacking made him snap up into a weak sitting position. Every rough contraction of his diaphragm and choked bark he coughed up made his head pulse ever more fiercely.

Small hands helped him turn to the side but with the way his skin prickled Rin hardly noticed their aid. A harsher hand clapped against his back and made him realize he was choking.

Why, though?

What did he have to choke on?

An uncomfortable burning made him press one hand to his stomach in a feeble bid to sooth the pain. Then, there was a gurgling sound and with a huge heave a mouthful of bright yellow bile surged out of him.

“Shit–?!”

“Hey!”

A few more heaves of bile and it, seemingly, was over. The ordeal left Rin feeling boneless, visibly trembling on the floor and struggling to collect himself.

“Okumura-kun? Do you feel any better?”

Rin was reminded he had an audience when he lifted his gaze from the bile on the floor to Konekomaru’s. Behind the bald monk, Shima was looking as if he was about to be sick as well.

“Rin?” Shiemi asked when the teen didn’t respond. She was beside him, holding his coat in her hands, apparently. He had enough time to be confused by that before another pain began in his stomach. He felt himself blanch, heat rushing out of his face like tides receding before a tsunami.

“Oi, where’s Okumura-sensei?” Bon’s voice started from behind the sick teen.

“Oh no, he’s gunna–!”

Rin’s head fell forward and his mouth popped open and, though another round of violent contractions took over him, all he could concentrate on was the black substance that hit the floor below him.

Coffee grounds?

Rin didn’t even like coffee, so how had coffee grounds gotten into his stomach?

“Oi, Jackass, don’t pass out again!” Bon commanded.

As much as he wanted to, the half demon wasn’t certain he _could_ pass out right now. He grunted as contraction after contraction rolled upwards through him, bringing waves of tar with them. This went on for so long that a tear formed in Rin’s throat.

Panting roughly, he sagged when it was over. Something held him up and he felt like a wet coat on a coat hanger. His friends were still being too loud.

“For fuck’s sake!” Bon growled, fear and urgency in his voice, “Where the hell is Okumura-sensei?!”

“Kamiki-san should be back with him by now,” Konekomaru agreed.

“Suguro-kun, help him sit properly, please?” Shiemi’s voice was all seriousness.

The irascible teen muttered something like an agreement and Rin felt his body being dragged back. He was pushed up against a wall and gently held there.

“Just what the hell have you done to yourself?” Bon asked him. To Shiemi, he said, “He’s still shaking.”

Rin swallowed thickly, pushing his head back against the wall to do it.

“Rin?” Shiemi asked sweetly, “Are you awake?” He grunted his affirmation. There was a snapping sound so he opened his eyes a little to see what was going on. The blond girl held up something that looked like a cross between beef jerky and tree bark. “You should eat this,” she told him.

Still dizzy and still sick Rin decided he wanted nothing to do with food and made a face. “Why?” he croaked. His question appeared to have caught Shiemi off guard because she hesitated.

“Because it will make you feel better.”

Rin squinted at her – as much as he could, given how close together his eyelids already were. He was tired. And when he was tired he was always more suspicious. “Are you _sure?_ ” He asked dubiously, still making no move to grab the tree bark (?) between Shiemi’s fingers. Rin’s brain wasn’t fast enough to catch the confusion and hurt on his friend’s face before it disappeared. “Head hurts,” he mumbled weakly.

“Then eat it, you idiot.” Bon’s voice wasn’t as loud this time.

“Please, Rin. I promise it will help,” Shiemi looked a little unsure of herself – or maybe she was just worried? The half demon closed his eyes.

“Mmn,” he hummed decisively, “I don trudt it.”

Bon gave his shoulder a little shake and made some comment about someone saying something about not passing out.

Rin, though, had been so deprived of sleep for so long that he was more than happy to succumb to it. As far as he could tell, a little rest had no noteworthy consequences. Not a word of what Ryuji said to him, or, rather, threatened him with, penetrated his clouded thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing.  
> Drop me an 'O' if you like and an 'X' if you don't so I can decide if I should keep posting or keep my nonsense to myself.


	2. You have to eat.

Upsettingly, Rin’s nap didn’t last very long.

Fingers pressing into his wrist and his brother’s voice speaking urgently above him woke the half demon. He released a groan of dismay.

“–san, can you hear me?”

What could Yukio _possibly_ want from him _now?_

Rin ducked back from the hand on his forehead and rubbed his face with both palms, rolling onto his side to get away.

It was too crowded, he needed some space.

His throat convulsed and his stomach sucked itself up into his mouth before Rin realized he’d moved too quickly. He hardly had enough time to prop himself up on a shaky forearm before he found himself puking for the third time in as many minutes (hours?).

This time, all Rin could focus on was the taste of blood.

Reality became like a wet fish wriggling tenaciously in his hands, and Rin fought to get a good grip before it escaped him completely. It was with a confusing rush of vertigo that he mentally slipped, dropped the metaphorical fish, and tumbled into a pool of gelid, stagnant water.

Everything suddenly seemed to slow down.

Rin realized he couldn’t breathe.

The sounds around him were muffled and echoed strangely.

It was too bright. He couldn’t see.

Rin didn’t understand what was going on or where all his pain was coming from.

All he wanted was for it to end.  

\------

 “–s the cells that make up the lumen of the stomach are cannibalizing themselves.” Someone was using their ‘ _I am a doctor’_ voice but Rin didn’t think it was Yukio.

“I don’t understand…” Oh, there he was.

“Well, it means his body is eating itself.”

“What could be causing this?” Yukio asked. It might have just been because Rin was still half out of it but his brother’s voice sounded upsettingly professional. Though, maybe that was unfair to Yukio. His little brother had other things to worry about too.

The doctor (?) hummed. “Any number of things. Though I suspect it may have something to do with the abruptness of your brother’s so-called ‘awakening’. Half demons oft–”

That was roughly where Rin’s mind decided to stop paying attention. He let the words flow over him, like pebbles carried by the ebbing and flowing of tides. It wasn’t long before he drifted off again.

\------

“–ten have a number of subtle physiological quirks that develop gradually over their lifetimes. It’s not uncommon for someone with demon blood to have a higher than average metabolism, for example. Under healthy circumstances, these quirks develop with the individual. Your brother, as I understand it, didn’t develop most of his unique demon traits until very recently. It could be that his body is struggling to cope with these physiological changes long term. ” The doctor– Yukio couldn’t remember his name – glanced at his notes and asked, “Okumura-kun developed his tail, ears, and canines all at the same time. Is that correct?”

Yukio’s mouth was dry and he pointedly refused to look at his brother. Why couldn’t the doctor have given him this consultation in a different room? Rin looked terrible and so, so old. “Yes, that’s right.”

“And have you noticed any changes in his eating habits since then?”

“No.”

The doctor, a middle-aged man with crow’s feet and graying hair, looked a bit doubtful, “Are you sure? The changes would have been gradu—”

“I haven’t noticed anything,” Yukio interrupted firmly. He ignored the little voice at the back of his mind that told him he _should_ have noticed in much the same way he ignored the catheters, the oxygen tank, and all the IV bags.

“And no-one has mentioned anything to you? Okumura-kun’s metabolism has become incredibly aggressive over a relatively short period of time. We need to know if this hypermetabolism is symptomatic or isolated before we can determine treatment. ” The older individual didn’t seem affected by the teen’s curtness.

Yukio was about to say no when he remembered something Shura had said recently. “Someone told me he was acting considerably more tired than usual.”

Scribbling something in his notes, the doctor closed Rin’s folder and stood. “Right. See if you can find out more from his friends as soon as possible. We’ll keep him on IV fluids, buprenorphine, and concentrated O2 in the meantime. The sooner we know for sure what we’re dealing with, the sooner we can remove that drain and get you both on your way.”

\------

Rin felt a little weird.

“I—I-I’m sorry? I — . . . —ink I misheard you. Ca—. . . — repeat that—?”

Was Rin floating? Or was he sinking?

“—igns of—”

His whole body felt compressed and tight and awkward.

“—alnutrition, and, s—”

Rin’s skin prickled and he imagined thin weeds growing out the pores of his skin.

“—neglect.”

\------

Yukio had made a small office out of a corner of Rin’s hospital room. He invested all his free time studying half-demon physiology but there was a distressing absence of reliable research at his disposal.

With a huge sigh, Yukio deflated into his chair and closed his laptop after reading another inconclusive, 16 paged primary article on the sensitivity of demon metabolism to pathogens. He looked over and examined his brother, still baffled by what the doctors had told him.

Rin Okumura _loved_ cooking. He was a total foodie at the best of times, constantly pestering Yukio about what he wanted to eat. There was no way a person like that could show any sign of being malnourished without something more than simple self-neglect going on!

The young teacher sighed again and pushed his hands against his face. A team of doctors (Yes. Team.) had made a treatment plan for Rin to slow his metabolism down while he recovered and if things went well, his brother would be going home within the week.

The good news: So long as Rin kept a proper diet, and took the right supplements, he’d live a long life ~~(unless he cut it short by doing something _incredibly_ stupid in the heat of the moment _again_ ). ~~

The bad news: Until Rin recovered, he would have to take medication to maintain a depressed metabolism. Of course, the medication the doctors wanted to put him on had several known side effects.

One of those side effects was an increased risk of suicide and/or suicidal thoughts.

Yukio hadn’t really thought about how his brother felt, about how he was coping with so many dramatic and acute transitions in his life. But now that he was, the younger prodigy realized his brother hadn’t said anything to him.

And he hadn’t said anything to anyone else, either.

Yukio had no idea how Rin felt.

And that scared him.

\------

There was a tube in Rin’s chest.

Rin didn’t think there was supposed to be a tube in his chest.

Rin _tried_ to tell Yukio there was a tube in his chest and it was probably sucking out his vital organs but his little brother insisted the tube was _supposed_ to be there and that Rin should ‘please stop trying to take it out.’

Yukio was being very rude, if you asked Rin. Didn’t he know how hard it was to form coherent consonants when your tongue kept sticking to your mouth? Talking took a lot of work! The least his little brother could do was listen.

\------

The hospital restricted Rin’s visitors to family only until he was deemed well enough for the inevitable stress of having more people hanging around.

Yukio had expressed this to the cram class and while his students were obviously worried about their friend, no-one protested.

The day after Rin’s second surgery, this one to close the enormous peptic ulcer in his stomach, _Shura_ had “decided” to “visit” while Yukio was out getting himself dinner.

He’d been gone no longer than 30 minutes.

When he’d returned; Shura was half shitfaced (she’d probably shown up that way), Rin had woken up, and the duo were trying to sing two different renditions of _Sakura Sakura_ together.

They were both so offkey it hurt.

Yukio had to physically drag Shura out of the room.

(He could almost hear Father Fujimoto laughing at him in the distance.)

\------

Kuro was strictly not allowed in the hospital.  

Kuro was a cat sidhe well over 100 years of age who didn’t much care what new rules the humans tried to enforce. Kuro was going to lay on his favorite person’s bed even if he had to transform and bulldoze his way through the hall to do it.

The staff had learned it was easier to let Kuro come and go as he pleased once they found out they could wash him first.

Everyone in the hospital knew Shura wasn’t a guardian of, or related to, either of the Okumura twins. Everyone knew Shura, therefore, wasn’t allowed into Rin’s room.

No-one knew how she kept getting in and Yukio was getting very sick of it.

And the nurses were getting a little tired of turning Shiemi away, too.

It came as a huge relief to Yukio, the nurses, and the security staff when Dr. Hajime announced Rin was healthy enough for more visitors.

\------

Rin heard the sound of papers shuffling and pens clacking before he heard the voices.

“—Kamiki-san, what did you get for question 2c?” Shiemi asked quietly.

“Why are you asking me?” Izumo hissed, though there was no venom in her voice. 

“Because you’re the only one who got an ‘A’ on the assignment,” Bon deadpanned. His voice was unmistakable no matter how hushed. “Thought that was pretty obvious.”

“ _Hah?”_ Ah. Izumo sounded angry.

“Don’t mind this gorilla, Izumo-chan,” Shima said sweetly, “He’s just jealous.”

“Who’s the gorilla, asshole?! And _jealous?!_ Of _what?_ ” Bon demanded loudly, not quite shouting but not quite whispering either.

Rin could appreciate that Izumo and Bon had a healthy competition going but he wished _they_ could appreciate his aching head. He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose.

“Sshh! You’re going to wake Okumura-kun!” Konekomaru reprimanded them.

“Shit—!”

Rin felt the itch of eyes on him and supposed it was time to wake up. The problem with that, though, was that his brain took his decision, processed it, and then said “No”. It then proceeded to tell him it was time to sleep because, clearly, Rin hadn’t slept for three years and it was Time Now™.

As he drifted off he thought he heard someone mutter a, “That was too close.”

\------

While recovering from his third operation, Rin was once again woken by the sound of voices speaking over him.

“Just—!”

“That’s not how you do it. Let me try—”

“I know, I know. Just let me try something.”

“Aah! I can’t take it anymore! I’m hungry! Let me eat it the way it is!”

There was the _honk_ of a plastic chair scraping against the linoleum followed shortly by the tap of sneakers and shifting fabric.

“Hey, stop it you two! You’re going to hurt someone!”

“Just hand it over and let me eat, you perfectionistic animal!” The shuffling got louder.

“Why are you so impatient? Ged off! I just started— Ah—”

Without thinking about it, Rin rose into a sitting position like a zombie out of an open grave. An uncomfortably elastic pain in his chest responded to the motion with a smarting _twang_ but he was far too tired to react to it. He’d only moved to begin with because he was somehow on autopilot.

Squinting into the bright light at the blurry shapes of Konekomaru, who stood looking agitated and worried, Shima, who’d frozen in the midst of trying to climb over Bon, and Bon, who had a knife in one hand, an apple in the other, and an elbow pushed into Shima’s gut.

Every single one of them looked like deer in headlights.

“O-Okumura-kun?” Konekomaru squeaked.

Rin’s hooded eyes immediately zeroed in on the apple. Uncomprehending, Bon followed the half-demon’s gaze and traced it back to him a few times.

No-one said anything for a moment.

“Okumura…?” Bon asked slowly.

Rin rubbed the gumminess out of one eye with the palm of his hand, heaving a sleepy sigh and reaching out for the apple with his other one.

“Give.” The half demon’s command was a scratchy whisper and it hurt the back of his throat a little. Yukio had probably told him (several) times how long he’d been (sleeping) in the hospital for but Rin couldn’t remember.

Hesitantly, Bon handed the apple and the knife over. Rin could see the cogs turning in his friend’s brain and would have laughed at him had he the energy. The half demon wasn’t aware that there was a small, sleepy smile on his face in that moment.

Without breaking contact between the knife and the rind, Rin cut away the skin with his eyes closed and was done seconds later. His autopilot was so strong he even sliced and cored the apple before handing it back.

The silence was as stunned as it was confused.

“Ah, man, you’re so reliable! Thanks, Okumura-kun!” Shima chirped, swiping the meal out of Bon’s hand. Then he chuckled and quietly asked Konekomaru, “Is he even awake right now?”

With his enhanced hearing, it wasn’t obvious to Rin that Shima hadn’t meant for him to hear his question. “‘Mm ‘wake.”

“Are you?” Bon sounded dubious and leaned forward to get a better look at the swaying half demon. There was a fond smile on Konekomaru’s face.

“Mm’hm.” Rin shuffled back, coughing a little, until he could prop himself against the backboard. He winced and pressed a hand against his chest but didn’t stop until he was comfortable. His head was already sort of rolling to the side when it encountered something soft and warm.

“Oi, at least lie down before you go back to sleep,” Bon scolded him, moving the hand on Rin’s head to give him more support.

“I’ll go get a nurse,” Konekomaru laughed.

Rin felt a little heavier, Bon’s hands pressing into his shoulder a little harder. The half demon felt little like a wet dish rag.

“Who the hell wakes up to peel an apple and then immediately passes out again? What kind of shit do they have you on, huh?”

Shima was having a good laugh at Bon’s expense and the sounds Bon made when he didn’t know if he should be angry or worried were somehow funny to Rin. He thought he heard Shiemi come through the door but he was asleep before he could hear her fuss over him.

For the first time in what Rin realized was a long, _long_ time, he felt safe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a nurse and I'm not a epidemiologist and I have no idea where I am going with this. Thanks for all the 'O's that everyone left last chapter. It's probably no longer necessary now but reviews tell me a hell of a lot more than the number of Kudos or hits I get. I would like it if the comments kept coming in and would feel a little lonely without them but you're not obligated to say anything. :)
> 
> (Y are there 2 notes down here.)


	3. When did you stop eating?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *EDIT: Yikes. Guess people don't like this chapter very much. I'm under the assumption that its because this chapter just isn't as interesting or fulfilling as the previous ones, and not because I've caused offence. But if I'm wrong, I hope someone will speak up and let me know. I value your opinions, so, please, share them with me?

_Aren’t I supposed to feel better?_ Rin asked himself, _Isn’t that usually the point of going to the hospital in the first place?_

The half demon had spent six days in the hospital (he’d been told he’d had a good time?), endured three successful surgeries, and now felt about as horrible as he had going in.  

The doctors had sent him home with a veritable chemistry set of drugs he was supposed to take. One of them inhibited his regeneration. Because of it, there was a hole left in Rin’s chest where the stomach drain had been and the surrounding tissue looked like, and felt like, it had gone through a meat grinder. The pulverized flesh was so deeply bruised that even the insignificant weight of his bandages felt like a punch to the gut if he moved in a certain way.

Rin felt one of his ears twitch as the door to his dorm creaked open. His oversensitive hearing isolated the sound of every moving mechanism, from hinges to the rollback of the metal tab when the knob was turned. The sudden input of this external stimuli, coupled with what Rin had come to associate these particular sounds with, traded the comfortable daze of sleepiness with alarm.

“Nii-san, I’m home.”

Oh no, Yukio was back.

Rin wasn’t sure he knew why yet, but every time that door opened and his little brother stepped through he’d get anxious — like, _really_ anxious. He was exhausted and confused and Yukio had a way of reminding him of all the work — homework, training, chores, and so on — he had to do.

Moreover, Yukio had a way of forcing Rin to finish his work no matter what was going on in their lives.

Well, Rin’s life, anyway.

The half demon thought about staying silent. Maybe if Yukio thought he was asleep he’d leave well enough alone.

“Nii-san?” Yukio set his things down and must have turned to look at his elder brother because a moment after Rin still didn’t’ respond he sighed heavily.

But then, Rin didn’t want to be alone. Not, like, alone-alone, anyway.

He missed Yukio. He missed having him around. And it wasn’t Yukio’s fault that his presence reminded Rin of all the ways he fell short. Rin needed to buck up and stop being so self-centered.

All this thinking was making his anxiety worse.

He just wanted to be able to relax.

“Nii-san, it’s almost 5 pm. It’s time to wake up and eat something. I need you to take your meds and get some homework done, too.” Yukio’s approach was greeted by irritable tail flipping, Rin’s silent way of saying “heck off”. The list of duties made the older teen grimace, the choking pressure of stress bearing down on his chest like a tangible weight. “Rin. I know you’re awake,” his little brother said.

Rin wished he could just quit.

With a great heaving sigh of defeat he did his best to bury his feelings of discomfort the way he always did, and hoped he’d have enough energy to keep those feelings back until he could deal with them later.

“No. Never. Let me sleep forever.” Rin told his brother curtly.

As usual, Yukio didn’t sound amused. “The faster you comply the faster we can both be done, Nii-san.” The implication behind that, whether he meant it or not, stung.

Rin felt like just another chore on his little brother’s To-Do list.

_Suck it up,_ the half demon reminded himself and rolled over to face his sibling. His heart was beating too fast to be calm and, though it was all in his head, breathing felt like it was getting harder to do.

God. He was tired.

“What are you threatening me for?” Rin forced himself not to look sad (or tired or anxious) and scowled playfully instead.

“What? I’m not threatening you, I’m just asking.” At least Yukio looked confused.

Somewhat gingerly and very reluctantly, Rin peeled himself away from the warmth of his bed. He shivered when his skin met the chilly air and wished his little brother would just let him stay in bed.

Yukio wouldn’t, though, because Rin kept falling asleep before he could get beyond two or three homework questions. “Who the hell uses the word ‘comply’ in a non-threatening way?” Rin demanded. He didn’t want to sit at a table again. It always took him forever to get any work done anyway and sitting anywhere but some place soft physically _hurt_ if he stayed there too long.

Rin sat on the edge of his bed and swayed a little. Was he getting enough air? He saw his sibling reach out to him.

“Nii-san, that’s not what the word m—” Yukio’s ‘ _I am a teacher’_ voice was what pushed his brother a little too far. He hated this. He hated how his efforts to start banter with his brother, something Rin knew would at least do something to help his nerves, kept getting reflected back at him like sunlight off a mirror.

“I know what it means!” Rin snapped before he could stop himself and an uncontrolled burst of fire pushed Yukio’s hand away before it could touch him. Both brothers froze and neither said anything for a while. Rin pointedly ignored the abandoned grab Yukio had made for his pistol. “A-ah.” He steadied himself with a deep breath, one that was audibly shaken. “Sorry.”

Yukio didn’t say anything and Rin was too ashamed of himself to look at his face. Damnit, what the fuck was wrong with him? Wasn’t he _passed_ this by now?

Bracing a hand against the wall, he pushed himself to his feet and ignored the dizzy spell it caused him. “I’ll just,” Rin didn’t know what else to say as he hobbled away, tail curling around his torso, “be downstairs. Sorry.”

His little brother didn’t chase after him.

\------

Yukio was confused.

He didn’t know what to do.

There had once been a time in his life when he’d been a master at calming his brother down.

There had been a time when he could’ve looked at Rin’s face across the room and known what he was thinking.

There had been a time when Rin wore a mask for everyone _but_ his little brother.

Yukio mourned for those times, mourned for a brother he felt he’d already lost.

\------

It was too hot and it was too dark and Rin was too unfocused, too dazed, too wrapped up in blank thoughts bleached white by the blazing sun (never mind the flurries of snow).

He was in the city but he didn’t feel right, his surroundings didn’t look right. His arms felt like they belonged on the body of someone much taller and his legs felt far thicker than they should have been. The coal tars weren’t making any noise. The cars on the busy road beside him were also soundless. Or, maybe they weren’t, and he just couldn’t hear them.

Rin tried to keep his eyes down but he could still see every face that passed him.

He felt their stares on his skin like a swarm of periodical cicadas; it made him overly self-conscious of his pointed ears, long tail, strange eyes, and bloody canines. He wanted to hide but a sense of urgency drove him on.

The half demon couldn’t remember doing it but he knew he’d already searched for his friends. He needed their help but he couldn’t find them.

A ball of fire burned the back of his throat and the inside of his nose, bringing with it an acerbic tang that stung his eyes.

But he couldn’t stop.

He absolutely _had_ to find Yukio.

He _had_ to know if his little brother was safe, he just wanted him to be safe.

It was getting harder to look, though, and the city was just getting bigger and bigger. Its corners stretched out like elastic fabric. The more it grew, the stranger it became. Rin watched water fill some of the streets, running over his skin in rivulets and pushing against his chest even though it was oozing out of the ground and had barely reached his hips. The harder he tried to move faster, the harder it became to move at all.

Rin might as well have been wading through syrup, for all the progress he made.

God, he was getting tired.

The half demon could physically feel the weight of the circles under his eyes. They were so deep he knew where their circumference was without touching them.  

He wanted to lay down and sleep, to rest his burning head on the ice forming around his ankles and dedicate his energy reserves to _breathing._

Everyone else moved fluidly through the water, making wakes and complaining about it as though it were no more inconvenient than rain.

Rin was absolutely pathetic. He seriously couldn’t even _walk_ on his own?

It was mortifying.

He didn’t need them staring at him to know how weak he was.

The half demon stopped struggling for a moment and looked up, beyond floating hunks of rotting meat and broken rosaries, to the dimming stars above.

“Huh?” (When had it started to rain?)

It hadn’t occurred to him before (because he was stupid and self-centered and so, so useless), but, maybe he _shouldn’t_ look for Yukio.

Maybe Yukio didn’t want to be found.

Maybe…

Maybe Yukio was running from _him_ because he was tired of being forced to babysit him.

A lot of things…

…suddenly made a lot more sense to Rin.

\------

Rin woke up with a startled gasp for air and had just enough time to bend over the side of the bed and purge his insides into the bucket Yukio had set out. The episode didn’t last long, his body apparently deciding the pain in his chest was more important than an imaginary threat to his stomach.

When it was over, the trembling half demon buried himself in his sheets. They were completely soaked through with sweat and he knew he should go brush his teeth but he didn’t have the energy to get up.

It was far too cold to consider getting up, going through the motions of changing pajamas, linens, and going to the end of the hall to brush his teeth. Even if he could, he didn’t want to risk waking Yukio up again. Lack of sleep was beginning to make his little brother agitated and Rin didn't want to be a burden.

\------

“Nii-san?” Yukio wasn’t sure how to do this but he’d have to ask eventually. He couldn’t keep putting it off.

“Hmm?” Rin’s voice was a little tight and he obviously wasn’t feeling his best.

At his desk, Yukio turned around to look his big brother over. He was a little pale and he’d been running a small fever on and off all day but he hadn’t needed the bucket at his bedside yet.

 “Have you been taking care of yourself properly?” Yukio asked.  _And when did you stop?_

Rin made a confused noise at him. “With all the mother henning you and Ukobach have been doing, how could I not?” It was obvious that his big brother was having a hard time appreciating their efforts. _It’s just the medication,_ Yukio reminded himself.

Yukio pushed his glasses up and kept his tone carefully neutral. “That’s not what I meant, Nii-san.”

“Well, then, what did you mean?”

“You know what I meant.”

“No. I don’t.”

Pursing his lips and taking a deep breath Yukio forced himself to calm down. He wasn’t good at this sort of thing (anymore). Maybe he should ask Shiemi for advice — No, no, that would be silly. The students had midterms next week they needed to study for and he was supposed to be their teacher. He could talk to his brother on his own.

He tried a new direction and said, “The doctors at the hospital told me you were showing signs of being malnourished. No-one’s stopping you from eating so this can only be the result of self-neglect.” Yukio _had_ put money out on the counter for his brother the week before he was rushed to the hospital. It wasn’t his fault Rin never used it.

“I’m not doing this shit to myself on purpose, Yukio.” Rin’s back was to him but Yukio could see his brother’s shoulders tense. In the dim lamplight, the young teacher thought he looked a bit like a sad caterpillar. 

Yukio was making a valiant effort to keep his own temper reined in but Rin wasn’t making it easy (he never made anything easy). “I didn't say you were." His brother did not reply, clearly in disagreement. "Nii-san, I need to know how you’re eating habits have changed since—”

“Nothing’s changed, Yukio.” The bitterness in Rin’s voice surprised him.

“What are you saying? Of course they have!” Yukio was nearing the end of his patience.

“No, they haven’t!”

“Yes, they have!”

“ _No,_ they haven’t!”

The sleepless nights, the constant fussing, fighting, and thankless work of keeping his brother from falling behind in his studies, finally caught up to Yukio. He slammed his fists against the desk, shouting, “Why are you being so difficult?! I’m _trying_ to _help you!”_

In response, Rin sat up, whirled around, and met his little brother’s glare with an ire he usually reserved for those who had done a fantastic job of pissing him off, _“I didn’t fucking ask you to!!”_

Yukio felt his heart jump into his mouth.

He thought he saw tears glittering in Rin’s eyes.

Rin had never truly, honestly cried in front of him.

Ever.

“I never asked you to make me into another damn chore on your stupid fucking list of To-Do’s, so you can stop acting like you don’t have better things to do!”

\------

_Oppaiyo: Koneko is bullying me, Okmura-kun. ( ; A ; )_

_Nyeko: I am not! You have too much work to do to be playing games, Shima!_

_Me: u sounding like yukio, koneko_

_Nyeko: Well, midterms are coming up so of course_

_Oppaiyo: what about you, Okumura-kun? You must be totally burnt out by now_

Curled up at his desk with his comforter around his shoulders and riding out his stomach pains as best he could, Rin bit the inside of his lip. There were seven assignments he needed to finish before Friday night and it was Wednesday evening now. But he couldn’t stay awake long enough to process what he was reading and even when he could stay awake, he just couldn’t seem to focus.

 Rin wanted to ask Yukio for help but he hadn’t seen his brother since his outburst last night. He needed to apologize for that.

_Me: hhhhhhhh_

_Bonbons: How are you feeling, anyway?_

Rin had to think about his response for a moment, not sure what to say. He wanted to say that he felt like a body that had fallen out of a hearse, been run over by a truck, and then cremated without a funeral but he didn’t have the energy to deal with the way his friends would react. But he didn’t want to lie, either.

_Me: tired_

There, that should be a good enough answer to satisfy them.

_Bonbons: …and?_

_Me: huh_

Was that the wrong thing to say? There was no inflection over text so Rin couldn’t figure out if Bon meant “So what?” or if he meant “and what else?” Luckily, Konekomaru was quick to elaborate.

_Nyeko: How’s your stomach, Okumura-kun? Are you cooking again?_

_Me: oh_

_Me: its fine i guess?_

_Me: comes and goes_

_Oppaiyo: your stomach comes and goes?_

Rin squinted sleepily at his phone, typed out a few replies but deleted them before he could send them. His brain felt like a buffering symbol caught in a web browser that needed a restart.

_Me: wat_

_BonBons: Go to sleep, Okumura. You need to rest._

Rin wanted to deny it but his head kept getting heavier and his eyes stung the longer he tried to stay awake so instead he just lay his head down on the desk.

_Me: inna litlle bit_

With a mental heave Rin gathered up the last lingering spools of will he had to muscle his way to his feet. 

He had an apology dinner to make.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Rin’s phone Shima is “Oppaiyo” which means (as I understand it): “boobs, you know?" 
> 
> The full length of this particular chapter was approaching 3k words of unconnected nonsense and I have: 4 essays to write (1 of which is due today), 3 primary articles to read and discuss, and midterms next week to worry about. I'm going a little bit insane so I decided to just get on with it. 
> 
> There will be enough fluff in the next chapter to stuff a mattress.


	4. Please eat this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a limited time, I'm going to provide a live link to an online word document. I'm using it as a dumping ground for this story, which means it has everything (mostly) I've written for this story that didn't make it in for one reason or another. 
> 
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CfeXOdGPag4iW1vHm5QfsTICy6jJ9Y_xmUGEifttImg/edit?usp=sharing
> 
> Thanks for reading.

“I might be wrong b-but, Yuki-chan, maybe Rin was being honest.” Despite the stutter, Shiemi appeared resolved.

Exhausted, Yukio had lost his tenuous grip and unfolded during one of Shiemi’s private lessons like he was 13 and still unused to being a teacher. She’d only asked him one little personal question — _‘Are you and Rin doing OK?’_ — and he’d just told her everything. The young prodigy couldn’t be more ashamed of himself and now Shiemi wouldn’t let him push the topic aside.

“My brother’s not as stupid as he claims to be. After everything that’s happened he must feel differently,” he told her.

“No, I didn’t mean that!” Shiemi squeaked. Puzzled, Yukio waited for her to elaborate. “I meant, maybe he’s really not eating any differently than he usually does.”

Yukio considered that for a moment and shook his head, unaware of the worry on his own face. “That can’t be. He was _always_ cooking before his awakening. By the time he was 15, Rin was consuming about 75% of the food money we had back home.”

Shiemi’s response was bold. “Are you sure he was cooking for himself?” she asked, looking like she already knew the answer, like she didn’t know the depth of her own words. “He told me once he used to cook a lot more when your chapel provided food for the homeless. He said he even liked to hand deliver lunches to them during the week when he could.”

Yukio was about to deny that too. Then he remembered a certain day, five years ago, when one of the clergy had called Father Fujimoto to tell him Rin had gotten so sick he had collapsed. The priest was on a training mission with Yukio at the time and had told him not to worry when he found out.

But, Yukio could remember overhearing his father’s voice late that night. He’d been gently reprimanding Rin for eating poorly, had sounded uncharacteristically concerned about his health.

Yukio remembered being envious, thinking Rin had never had to work to get their dad’s affection. Bitterly, the budding prodigy had written off his brother’s ailment as harmless food poisoning and forgotten all about it. Rin had never said a word to Yukio about what happened when he’d returned.

As the brothers had gotten older, and the number of missions both Yukio and Father Fujimoto went out on increased, Rin had spoken to him less and less about his personal life.

A grimace tightened on his face when he finally said, “I can’t accept that.” _I don’t want to._

“Yuki-chan —”

“I can’t accept the possibility that he’s been lying to me this whole time.” _It would mean that I’ve spent my whole life with him and I don’t even know him._

Shiemi’s expression turned soft and commiserating. Although her voice was gentle, the look in her eyes became sad. “But Rin didn’t even know you were an exorcist until this year,” she reminded him.

“Haven’t you also been lying to him, Yuki-chan?”

\------

Leaning his forearms onto the counter and resting his head on his thumbs, fingers laced together, Rin told himself the weakness he felt in his legs was just as much in his head. If his arms started to ache because they were taking so much of his weight, then, it was easy enough to convince himself that they probably needed the work. He chose to ignore the fact that he was leaning against the bony parts of his forearms and the pain had nothing at all to do with muscle.

Rin was fine. 

As soon as he finished this he could sit down and wait for Yukio to get back.

He was almost done.

Rin was thankful he’d already eaten because it meant he wouldn’t have to take his meds under Yukio’s watchful, untrusting eyes. Of course, he’d have to eat a little more if he wanted to stay awake long enough to meet his brother when he came home. Maybe he’d get some homework done while he waited…

What was he going to say to Yukio when he finally got home?

What would he do if he didn’t come home tonight?

Rin grimaced.

 “Oi.”

The abrupt and unexpected sound of Ryuji’s voice made Rin flinch so damn bad he could have stepped out of the air and onto the counter.

Rin whirled around to face his friend but the motion was a little too fast and threw a smattering of stars across his vision.

“W!–oof.” The half demon had to lean back against the counter and put a hand to his head but didn’t stop talking. “What are you doing here?”

“Dropping off your homework,” Bon answered. With a light fluttering sound, the aforementioned papers dropped to the countertop. As soon as Rin’s vision stopped spinning he noted the frown his friend’s face and the furrow in his brow.

“Oh…” staring at the addition of _yet_ _more_ work, Rin didn’t waste any energy trying to hide his disdain. “Thanks.”

Bon quirked a suspicious brow at him, as though saying ‘what? Not even going to complain?’

“Where are the others?” Rin asked him.

“Konekomaru is babysitting Shima. I was getting snacks in the area —” he set a plastic bag on the counter next to Rin’s homework “— and figured I could stop by real quick.”

“Ah.” Absently, Rin started rubbing at his chest. Bon pointedly watched him do it, the furrow on his brow now distinctly concerned. He was opening his mouth when Rin realized what he was doing, stopped, and turned around. Even though it had been almost four days since the tube had been removed, his body had yet to close the hole. Rin knew that was a result of one of the myriad of medications he kept having to take — it was probably the same one responsible for making it so hard to stay awake. “Thanks for helping Yukio out with that. He’s been having a hard time lately.”

The half demon picked up where he’d left off, thinly slicing the fresh meat he’d gone out to buy almost 45 minutes earlier, as if he hadn’t just been fighting the strong urge to lay down on the kitchen floor. “How long have you been standing there anyway?” he asked.

“Long enough to call your name almost three times,” Bon replied. Rin didn’t know what to say to that so he let an uncomfortable silence fall between them. “What are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” The half demon tried to steady his hands by taking a deep breath. The meds were kicking in, it seemed.

“Okumura.” Bon was using his _‘I am the boss’_ voice so Rin figured he’d have to be a little explicit. He turned around and locked eyes with the ambitious aria.

Then, very smoothly, Rin said, “Can you leave?”

Bon reared back with shock and hurt in his wide eyes before Rin realized what he’d done wrong. “Wait, wait, wait, no — hang on, that — I didn’t mean —fuck. God — damnit.” With a hugely defeated sigh, Rin slid to the floor and out of sight.  A wave of relief swept through his legs the moment he sat down and a quiet part of him worried he may not be able to stand up again for a while.

He wished he hadn’t taken those stupid pills on time, now.

“Hey—”

“Yukio and me got into a fight last night and I need to make up with him. I’m making him dinner but I’m really tired and I think I’ve only got enough energy left in me for one heart-to-heart tonight. Could you maybe come back tomorrow?” Even to his own ears, his voice sounded fatigued and miserable.

“Why didn’t you just say that then?” Bon, thankfully, looked understanding when he came into the kitchen and helped Rin find his feet again.

\------

Despite Rin’s protests, Bon stuck around to help.

As phenomenal as Bon was in his studies, he was about as skilled in the kitchen as Yukio.

And Yukio was as skilled in the kitchen as a fish in a tree.

Mistakes were made.

But even when Bon was banned from the cutting board, he did help speed things up by washing vegetables and doing dishes.

They were almost done when Bon, tasked with homogenizing the soy sauce blend Rin had put together, finally asked him, “Is eating like that normal for you?”

The half demon hummed and answered, “Not really. I only make sashimi for special events—”

“No,” Bon interrupted and turned away from the sink to look Rin in the eye. The expression on his face was upset — almost, guilty, somehow. “I meant, before you collapsed. Do you normally skip meals so often? Don’t you like cooking?”

“Of course I like cooking!”

“Then why don’t you cook for yourself?”

“Because its—!” Rin hesitated, like saying the words out loud gave them a strange new flavor. He looked down at the almost completed plate of sashimi. “What’s the point of cooking if you’re just doing it for yourself?”

\------

Yukio was worried.

Suguro-kun had texted him 45 minutes ago, letting him know he’d dropped off Rin’s homework for him. In the most politely ominous way, his student had then urged him to hurry home.

He’d said it wasn’t an emergency but that was 45 minutes ago and a lot could change in that time.

“Nii-san? Are you in here?” Just then Yukio rounded the corner and trotted into the lunchroom. Rin wasn’t there waiting for him at their usual table, something he’d stopped doing (what seemed like) months ago. In his place was a box and a note.

Curious, Yukio set down his things and opened the letter Rin had addressed to him.

_Yukio,_

_I ate, took those stupid meds, and already did my homework so just relax._

_I wanted to keep wait for you but i'm too tired. figured it’d be better if I just went to bed so you’d have less to worry about_

_i'm sorry about what I said last night. it was wrong_

_thanks for looking after me so well, even though I make things hard for you_

_I made you some sashimi_

At that, Yukio paused. If Rin made sashimi then he’d of had to go to the market first. They didn’t have any fresh fish at the moment and Yukio knew that because he’d done all the shopping before his brother had gotten home from the hospital.

Why would Rin go to such trouble to make Yukio’s favorite dish? He only made sashimi for special occasions — something about ‘preserving the flavor.’

He finished reading.

_but it might not be as good anymore by the time you read this_

_Sorry, lil bro_

_Love you_

Yukio felt himself blanch, remembering that important side effect of one of Rin’s medications.

His heart dropped from his chest into a chasm that was as deep and as the guilt he’d been trying to ignore all day. The cold emptiness it left behind was cruelly ubiquitous.

The young brother raced up seven flights of stairs in record time only to find his brother sleeping soundly and, of course, grossly unaware of the distress he’d caused.

Somehow, Yukio couldn’t bring himself to be angry.

\------

Yukio didn’t know why he was in a hospital or what business guided his feet down the brightly lit corridor until he saw his big brother standing at the end of it.

As though surprised, Yukio felt himself stop. He knew Rin was supposed to be a patient, supposed to be wearing a gown, and supposed to be in bed so he was reasonably agitated when he noticed his brother was wearing his school uniform.

“Nii-san?” Yukio called out to him but he couldn’t hear his own voice. 

Nonetheless, he saw Rin twitch and then turn to see who had called him. At first he looked curious and confused, but, when he recognized him, his big brother beamed.

“Oh! Yukio, there you are!” Somehow Yukio knew just what his brother was saying even though no audible words left his mouth. The tail he hadn’t noticed before, the canines, the ears — in the blink of an eye all those things disappeared and his brother was an ordinary human again.

Now, Rin looked strange in his school uniform.

“Where were you? I was waiting for you!” Rin’s smile softened and when Yukio blinked again his brother was seven, no longer in uniform, and they were standing in their old primary school’s hallway.

The younger brother wanted to go to Rin’s side but his feet wouldn’t move. His big brother’s smile looked empty, sad, and that shouldn’t have looked so familiar but it _was._

_Huh?_ Yukio felt cold. _I can’t remember what his real smile looks like anymore._

“Neh, Yukio? You’re all grown up now. You don’t need me anymore so I’m going on ahead. OK?” Bright, rotating light, like light from a lighthouse, swept through the hall and when it passed, Rin had turned around.

His big brother was walking away.

Yukio was going to be (completely, utterly) alone.

How long would it take until he couldn’t remember what Rin’s food tasted like? Would he forget that before or after he forgot the sound of his voice?

Fear unlike anything he had felt before burned through him but his stupid, _useless_ , fucking feet stayed _glued to the floor!_ Yukio tried to cry out, tried to scream his brother’s name, to _beg_ him to stay but he couldn’t get anything out of his throat. Tears of frustration streaked down his face and he pushed himself until he _heard_ his voice screaming.

There were so many things Yukio had to say and so many more things he wished he could take back, things he had forgotten to apologize for.

But all he could do was cry.

And Rin didn’t stop.

Eventually, all that was left of him was a young voice, and soon that faded away too.

“It’s time for me to go. Yukio.”

\------

Rin woke up to fingers pressing hard into his wrist and the sound of someone choking back sobs.

“—No, no, no, please, no. Nii–san?” _sob_ “Don’t go, please. Nii–san, I can’t find your pulse.”

Rin’s response was as automatic as peeling an apple.

Before he’d even opened his eyes, he had pulled his wrist free and was wrapping his arms around his little brother. Yukio gave a soft little yelp and clung to Rin’s shirt.

“Sh, ssh, sshh,” Rin hushed and squeezed him gently, like he used to when they were small, “I’m here. I’m still here.” Yukio hid his face in Rin’s shoulder and Rin didn’t say anything while his brother fought to regain some semblance of emotional control.

While Yukio hiccupped quietly, Rin rubbed circles into his back. Eventually, he started tugging his brother in bed with him. “C’mon,” he murmured, “Bring it in.”

For a moment Yukio tried to resist. “No, no—” he caught his breath “—I’m fine now. I’m—”

Rin interrupted him with a sigh. Flatly, he stated, “If you try to insist on going back to your own bed I _will_ follow you.”

Yukio didn’t seem to know what to do about that, still half asleep and shivering, so Rin used his strength to drag him under the covers.

For a while, the brothers lay back to back and Rin was satisfied knowing his own body temperature would soon warm his little brother up.

They’d bought a space heater but it was rarely used.

Contrary to popular belief, Yukio was the deep sleeper and Rin was the light sleeper. When they were kids, Yukio had gotten so used to climbing into bed with Rin during the cold winters to share heat, he’d do it in his sleep. Rin wasn’t sure if Yukio knew that he still did this on rare occasions.

Occasions like this one.

Rin stayed awake for a solid 30 minutes after Yukio’s breathing had deepened, thinking about all those times he’d thought his life was worthless enough to give up on. It was weird, but, he felt like he’d been about to go somewhere before Yukio woke him up.

His little brother was leaning all his weight into Rin’s back like he needed to make sure he was still there, even in his sleep.

It was comforting.

\------

Rin was gently pulled back to consciousness by the smell of tea and the sound of Yukio’s voice. When he opened his eyes he found his brother leaning over him with a cup of something in one hand and a patient smile on his face.

For several long moments, a buffering symbol worked above Rin’s head. Then he said, “hah?”

“Sorry, Nii–san,” Yukio kept his voice soft and Rin had to wonder if maybe there was someone else in the room he was trying to be courteous of. Their morning ritual was usually far less domestic.

“Here, take these, please.” His brother held out a handful of colorful tablets and pills.

Rin felt his own face sour. But he sat up anyway.

“Yes, yes, I know you don’t like them,” Yukio said, depositing them into Rin’s hand. Then he passed him the tea. “You won’t have to take them forever, Nii-san.”

Rin was too tired to come up with a response so he popped the pills into his mouth, sipped the tea, and swallowed them all in one go.

“Did you wake up early?” he mumbled after, drinking his tea.

“Hm, a bit.” Yukio was putting on his shoes and getting his things together. “I’m surprised I didn’t wake you.”

Sleepily, Rin grinned into his tea. “Surprised you managed to wake me up at _all_ if it’s as early as it feels.”

“It’s not that early. It’s almost —”

“—Does ‘almost’ mean the sun isn’t up yet? If the answer is ‘yes’ it’s _early_. You’re such a bird, spotty-four-eyes.”

About to pull on his coat, Yukio stopped to watch his elder finish drinking. “A bird?” he asked.

“A bird.” Rin confirmed, resting his head against the wall and letting his eyes close. He was only vaguely aware of Yukio nudging and poking at him until Rin was laying down again.

The last thing he heard was Yukio telling him he could go back to sleep if he wanted to today.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay, I've got a lot going on. 
> 
> I'm sure everyone else is very busy as well, given the holidays are around the corner. I hope, despite your busy schedules, you'll find the time to let me know how I'm doing by leaving me an O (liked it) or an X (didn't like it).
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone! Don't forget to take care of yourselves in these upcoming weeks!
> 
> PS: I'll include more information about my upcoming original novel as the end of this story, for those who are interested.


	5. Let's Eat Together!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> creativity train crashed and writers block hit me in the face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,  
> This chapter still needs a bit of a revision on my part but I was anxious to get it up. I'd originally wanted to get it posted on Thanksgiving day. I know Thanksgiving can be a hard time for a lot of people right now. I hope, if you are one of those people, you know you have my support. I apologize for missing Diwali, earlier this month, as well as Kinrō Kansha no Hi, which I've just found out was yesterday (missed it by 33 minutes!).
> 
> Hanukkah is right around the corner, though, so I hope this can be an early gift for my Jewish readers (if I have any).
> 
> Edit: updated the chapter or whatever (edited it. i revised it. oh my god im so t)  
> \----------  
> Edit 2-7-19: There's a handful of stuff left unresolved here but I'm so emotionally burnt out from graduating, moving 3 times, and getting a job (to name a few) that I genuinely can't get the words together to end this properly. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth but pushing out another chapter feels like trying to swallow a fist-sized sea urchin so until that feeling goes away, this is where the story ends. Thanks for reading!

Ordinarily, Yukio would have been mortified to find himself waking up in Rin’s bed, even after a night of nightmares. But his brother’s body had been eating itself from the inside so he had other things to worry about in present, rather atypical circumstances.

The oppressive weight of heat produced by Rin’s fever had woken Yukio long before his alarm was set to go off. By the time he had realized where the heat was coming from he hadn’t needed it.

The sun hadn’t come up yet so Yukio had been forced to turn on the lamp on his brother’s nightstand to assess his deteriorating condition. Rin’s forehead had been hot and clammy beneath Yukio’s palm, his breath short, his heart rate abnormally high, and he’d been muttering incoherently.

The young doctor took his fussy brother’s temperature and would have rushed him off to the ER if it weren’t for the fact that Rin was a fire demon who had always run a little hotter than average.

_40.12_ _°C._ The reading did not stop Yukio from hissing a few choice expletives, however. If Rin were a regular human he might’ve suffered permanent brain damage at such a temperature. Yukio had quickly fished out an emergency cold compress from his first aid kit and applied it to his brother’s forehead.

He’d instructed Kuro to tell Ukobach what was going on and to prepare something for Rin. Then he’d made a few quiet calls while he waited for Kuro to return, leaving his superiors voicemail explaining that he’d need to take the day off.

Yukio had added a few tablets to Rin’s daily medications and, armed with a cup of lukewarm tea, spent the following three minutes gently trying to rouse his sick brother.

Rin wasn’t all there when he finally woke up — not surprising — but by the time he’d finished drinking Ukobach’s remedy (?) he was more drowsy than feverish. When his half demon twin had asked if he could go back to sleep, Yukio hadn’t needed to think about his answer before he agreed. He’d left to drop off some papers and was only gone for about twenty minutes but by the time he got back, it was as though Rin hadn’t woken at all.

No doubt this was the result of his brother going all the way to the fish market in the rain the other night.

Yukio’s morning finished with a reminder to himself to tell Rin’s doctor about this during their next visit.  

\------

Bon knew something was wrong the moment he realized Okumura-sensei was late to class.

Rin had looked particularly unwell last night. His tired eyes had been glazed and unfocused, he’d moved on unsteady legs, and — as much as Rin had tried to hide it — his body had been quivering with exertion.

When Bon had gotten home it’d been easy to tell himself that he’d done everything he could’ve and that it was the contrast of color between Rin’s hair and face that had made him look so damn pale.

But when Tsubaki-sensei appeared instead of Okumura-sensei, Bon started to regret not doing more.

“Ehrm, let’s see. Due to a medical emergency, Okumura-sensei couldn’t make it to class today. So I’ll be subbing for him, ok? Let’s —”

Bon tuned out the rest.

\------

Throughout the day, Rin’s health went through a series of ups and downs. Yukio had been keeping a record of his brother’s vitals, waking him up periodically to check on him, coax him to drink water, and so on. Just in case, the young teacher even had an emergency number on speed dial all afternoon.

If Rin needed to go to the ER again, Yukio was ready.

Yukio was _not_ ready for Rin to start talking in his sleep.

“ _Hhhgc_ onky donkd 64 collecterz edidion  is _mmmnrf_.” His big brother started suddenly, trailed off, and shuffled a bit. Yukio turned around to look at him.

For a moment, Rin settled with a huge huff and continued, disturbingly audible from where Yukio sat at his desk. “Only fer ninten **don’t** 69\. Gam es gud!” Rin snuffled and muttered some garble he couldn’t quite make out. “Content repeatedly tezted by **bees.** Needs onion pak ‘n rm **bm bm**.” Every time Rin’s voice went from loopy fever muttering to suddenly, intensely coherent words, Yukio blinked (read: flinched). “144 players simultaneosly! Developed by —”

Yukio was even _less_ ready for Rin to start talking in his sleep using _four voices at the same goddamn time._

“— ** _AA_** ** _AA_** ** _AA_** ** _AAAAA._** ”

Rin said nothing more after that.

Yukio recorded his brother’s vitals several times in the span of a handful of minutes. Though Rin still wasn’t in great condition, he hadn’t improved much since Yukio’s last recording 45 minutes earlier. Rin was, for all appearances, unwell but perfectly stable.

The young, prodigal exorcist wondered if this was something he should call the headmaster about.

He had a feeling Mephisto would just laugh at him, though.

\------

Rin’s dreams were interrupted loudly and abruptly by his cellphone. Half conscious, he took it off the nightstand, opened it, and put it to his ear.

“Mmph?”

“Okumura?!” Bon’s voice — as well as a volley of similar variations of Rin’s name — erupted from the phone with an alarm that was positively infectious.

The half demon jerked awake, pushing himself up, and was trying to ask his friends what was wrong when Konekomaru spoke over him. “Okumura-kun, are you OK?”

“Wh—”

Bon was already asking next. “Where are you? We’re standing outside the abandoned boys dorm. Did you collapse again?”

“I’m—"

“We’ve been calling you all day! You _and_ Okumura-sensei. And no-one’s answering the door. We can see the lights are on!” Shima exclaimed, sounding both dismayed and exasperated.

“Hang on—”

“What’s the point in having a cell if you never answer it?” Izumo demanded.

_“Literally_ what the fuck are you guys talking about?!” Rin snapped, growing impatient, “Speak clearly so I can understand!”

“Yuki-chan didn’t come in today! Our substitute said he had an emergency to deal with, so we thought something had happened.” While Shiemi spoke Rin looked over to his little brother’s side of the room and found it uncharacteristically messy. It looked like Yukio had been in the middle of something when he got up and left. Jerking to his feet with a hissing sound, Rin stormed to the other side of the room and opened the closet beside the door. Yukio’s exorcist jacket was still in place. And his wallet was still in his desk.

“Yukio’s not picking up?” He asked and found his brother’s shoes, keys, and phone gone.

“No. We thought it was because something had happened to you,” Shiemi told him, then added, “He left in a rush last night, too. Are you—”

The blond botanist was interrupted by the familiar whine of the front door opening, followed shortly by Yukio’s voice. Rin listened blankly to the commotion on the other side and made his way over to the window. Unlatching it, he stuck his head out into the chilly autumn air — absently realizing he was caked in sticky sweat — and soon found both his friends and his missing brother in the dim lamplight. Relief made Rin feel a little light headed.

“Oi!” He called, “Yukio, what the hell are you doing so early in the morning?!”

“Morning?” Izumo muttered with her usual scowl whenever someone said something wrong.

“Dude! It’s almost seven! Its nighttime!” Shima told him.

_Eh. Eeeehhh?! Did I really sleep that long?!_ Rin thought anxiously, looking from face to face and finding no lie.

When Yukio found him the tension in his shoulders visibly drained. “Nii-san! You’re awake! Close the window before you get sick again. I’ll be on my way up.”

\------

“So wait a minute, what are we doing?” Rin asked again, seated just on the other side of the serving counter in the old dorms. His hair was still a little wet, bangs pinned up and out of his eyes, and he smelled freshly of soap. Peppermint and rosemary seemed like suitable scents for the vibrant teen.  

Not that Ryuji would ever admit that last part out loud.

Bon could tell just by looking at him that Rin had had a hard day, despite how lively he seemed. When he’d returned after checking on his brother, Okumura-sensei had asked that they take it easy tonight. Game nights like this were a typical reward for the students after a difficult week of exams and after so much time at a desk, they tended to get pretty rowdy. 

“Do what you can to make him rest,” Yukio had told them while Rin was in the shower, “He may act like he’s fine, but don’t be fooled. When I woke up this morning he had a dangerously high fever and it’s still not quite gone yet.”

Absently, Bon wondered if Rin was consciously acting like he was in perfect health or if it was simply innate behavior. Knowing Rin, it was probably the latter of the two. He didn’t seem aware that he was doing it. Either case meant he was still being cautious of them. That was justifiable, though. Bon knew for a fact the Kyoto branch was still picking up after the Impure King.

“You’re going to sit there and tell us what to make _without_ trying to come in here and help,” he told the half demon sternly, aware of Okumura-sensei’s quiet approval from a nearby table, where he was helping Shiemi.

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Rin deadpanned. “You literally can’t even hold a knife.”

Shima grinned. “Hate to say he’s right, Bon. Even I’m better in the kitchen and all I can do is make cup noodles.”

“I just don’t understand how you could cut yourself four times in four seconds,” Rin whispered with a touch of amazement. He was looking at the counter, wide-eyed, as if re-living the moment Bon had nicked his finger, startled himself, tripped, and flung the fillet knife into a wall the night before.

“Shut up! I want to learn!”

“Eh?”

“You owe me for all those times I’ve tutored you!” The student athlete pointed an accusing finger at the half demon, beat red with embarrassment.

_“EH?”_

“It’s a actually a really fun game, Okumura-kun,” Konekomaru commented with a chuckle. He pulled out his phone, typed something in, and then turned it over for Rin to see. “People have just started doing it recently at home and it’s gone viral as a food network challenge.” Rin leaned forward to watch the video, a slow smile creeping up on his face.

“So?” Bon prompted gruffly when the video had completed and the half demon still appeared a bit hesitant.

“Please, Rin? Will you teach us?”

\------

Yukio watched his brother from their usual table as he directed his friends through the process of preparing dashi soup, takikomi gohan, and fried fish. At some point, Izumo had entered the fray to help too, leaving Yukio and Shiemi alone.

“No, not like — You just have to turn — Yeah, like that! No, no, no, go back — ah shit. Ukobach, help him.” Watching his brother struggle to teach his friends something was amusing and almost satisfying.

“Oi, how does this look?” Rin swung his head around and extended himself up a bit to see what Kamiki-san was gesturing to and Yukio wasn’t so far away that he couldn’t hear his brother mutter under breath, “oh my god, how does Yukio do this.”

Yukio had to cover his mouth to hide his mirth.

Shiemi laughed at his side.

\------

“Is he asleep?”

“C-cute.”

“Should we pause the movie?”

“We’re not even 25 minutes in and he’s already konked himself out.”

“It can’t be helped. It’s a side effect of his medication, after all. He may be on a considerably lower dose now but after today it’s no wonder he’s tired.”

“Guess that means you’re in it for the long haul, Bon. I hope you went to the bathroom before you sat down.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll just push him onto you if I need to go.”

Rin felt safe and warm and, for the first time in ages, he felt full — _actually_ full! He was cuddled up to someone, closely surrounded by friends, and he felt so at peace it was a wonder he was still aware enough to hear anything.

Hell, he was so at peace he could’ve been _dead._

Attention drifted away from him when Shiemi asked Yukio if he would be off somewhere studying. A hand settled against Rin’s forehead for a moment, followed shortly by that soft noise his little brother made whenever he was pleased with something.

“Yes,” Yukio said, “But I’ll be close by so just call if something happens.”

\------

Rin wasn’t used to having a tail.

Rin’s body wasn’t used to having a tail.

Rin’s mind wasn’t used to having a tail.

Some days, he could completely forget he had it at all.

On others, his tail was so blatantly _there_ he couldn’t think about anything but the painful discomfort of having a limb that was, by all rights, _not supposed to be there._

It went without saying that he’d had a lot of bad days recently.

Rin hadn’t even been aware the pain was still there — apparently, he’d started acclimating to it — until it’s absence woke him up a little.

Gentle fingers were stroking a small section of his troublesome tail. Rin was just thinking about how nice that felt when his tail flicked itself into someone’s lap and he heard Shiemi squeak.

Something shifted beneath his temple and his head slid out of its decently comfy position.

“I’m ok!” Shiemi whispered on Rin’s other side. “His tail moved suddenly, that’s all.”

With a sound somewhere between a grumble and groan, Rin shamelessly wiggled himself into a more comfortable position. He cuddled up against his newest victim and became aware that he had somehow acquired several victims during his nap when someone else moved their hand away from the crook of his arm and another person shifted near his leg.

“Oi. Okumura.” That’d be Bon, pinned by the weight of Rin’s upper body.

“Hmm?”

“You plannin’ on watching any of these movies or are you just going to sleep this whole time?”

Rin didn’t have it in him to feel guilty when he replied. “Can’t help it. Feels safe.”

Bon didn’t seem to know what to say to that.

After a few minutes, hands went back to stroking his tail. Though most of the pain usually lay in the knotted muscle at the base of Rin’s spine, the gentle touch was soothing — like fingers in his hair.

It was lucky that Kuro had been there, otherwise his friends might have noticed it was him that was purring and not the cat sith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of what Rin said in his sleep: “Conky donk 64, collector’s edition is now available only for nintendon’t 69. Game is good. Content’s been repeatedly tested by bees. Need n64 onion pak and n64 RUMBUMBUM. 144 players simultaneously! Developed by AAAAAAAAAAA.” Based on the image.
> 
> I decided to stay in my apartment for Thanksgiving so I could study and while I don’t normally partake in family festivities at this time of year, I do really enjoy watching my family have fun and letting conversation wash over me. There’s just something so soothing and safe about being a quiet observer. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Edit 2-7-19: There's a handful of stuff left unresolved here but I'm so emotionally burnt out from graduating, moving 3 times, and getting a job (to name a few) that I genuinely can't get the words together to end this properly. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth but it's not like anyone is keeping track of all my faults and failings online. Pushing out another chapter feels like trying to swallow a fist-sized sea urchin so until that feeling goes away, this is where the story ends. Thanks for reading!


	6. Hi. I wrote a book.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shameless self advertising.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07SLNR6KT/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Against+the+rapids&qid=1559405628&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

I mentioned earlier that I was working on a book and it's finally published. If you're interested, please check it out at the link. :)

Sorry, no new EIALOF stuff.


End file.
